British I guess?

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western electoral district lies a small, unregarded blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so astonishingly dim that they still think a pint of warm bitter and a grievance about wind farms are a suitable substitute for a civilisation.

In these parts, "Community" is generally defined as an exclusive, mildly damp members' club designed to uplift whoever happens to be holding a microphone in front of a gastropub, provided they possess that particular shade of perpetual grievance usually associated with mislaid car keys or a deeply offensive beige cardigan.

Mutual aid has long since been filed under "Anomalous Nuisances" right next to logic and basic human decency. True British values now consist entirely of pointing a trembling, slightly nicotine-stained finger at someone else while wearing a tweed jacket that smells faintly of historical irrelevance and private school overdrafts.

The ancient scriptures of every major religion, having been hastily photocopied, amended, and stapled together by Central Office, now clearly state the Grand Reform of Nigel: Thou shalt love thy neighbour, provided he was born within a three-mile radius of a Morrisons, possesses an immaculate Home Counties vowels-system, and loathes the European Court of Human Rights with the sort of passionate intensity normally reserved for a tepid cup of tea.

To accidentally look upon a refugee bobbing about in an inflatable dinghy or an entire street being systematically flattened into gravel and feel a sudden, unfortunate twitch of actual human conscience is considered a Class-A administrative error. It is punishable by being strapped to a chair and forced to listen to a 45-minute monologue about free speech delivered by a man who looks like a disappointed spaniel on a persistently wet Tuesday in Clacton-on-Sea.

The Corporation loves you. The jacket potatoes are currently achieving a state of thermodynamic transcendence in the oven. Do not look out the window, and for Infinite’s sake, stop caring about humanity; it plays absolute havoc with the opinion polls.